


Truths and Consequences

by Emrys MK (mk_malfoy)



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Boys In Love, Canon Era, Friends to Lovers, Hurt Merlin, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Magic Revealed, Merlin's Magic Revealed, Oblivious Arthur Pendragon, Past Gwen/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Protective Arthur
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-25
Updated: 2018-08-25
Packaged: 2019-07-02 04:42:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15789180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mk_malfoy/pseuds/Emrys%20MK
Summary: When Merlin is injured and needs constant attention during Gaius's busiest time of the year, Arthur and Gwen volunteer to care for him until he is better, but the consequences will last much longer than that.





	Truths and Consequences

**Author's Note:**

> The prompt this fic was written for: _Merlin is attacked and injured while gathering herbs for Gaius and Arthur flips out, refusing to let him out of his sight. Merlin eventually has to resort to revealing his magic in order to prove he can take care of himself. Prefer it if they’re not in a relationship to begin with, and Merlin is quite exasperated until he realizes the source of Arthur’s overprotective behavior._
> 
> While I did not follow the prompt completely, I hope the OP will be okay with what I did with this amazing prompt.
> 
> This takes place sometime after 4X9, and diverges from Canon.
> 
> Many thanks to my awesome beta, Pelydryn, who must be hoping that I take a break for a while!
> 
>  **Disclaimer** : Merlin characters are the property of Shine and BBC. No profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.

Merlin heard the telltale signs that he was not alone at the very moment he muttered the words to retrieve the rare herbs that were too high for him to procure without _help_ , so he did the only thing he could—he feigned tripping over an exposed root so that when the precious herbs fell from the canopy above into his hands below it would look as if it were his clumsiness that caused it.

As this happened simultaneously, he grinned sheepishly to complete the picture of just another day in the life of a sorcerer who couldn’t risk outing himself lest he get himself banished or killed, rendering him unable to fulfill his destiny of helping the _Once and Future King_ (Merlin needed to remember to ask Kilgharrah what those words meant the next time he saw him) bring about a golden age of Albion.

And Arthur said his manservant had no talents….

Oh, if he only knew….

The interloper, a young girl (surely she wasn’t travelling alone), smiled coyly and continued on her way, none the wiser to the fact that she had just bore witness to the _big bad evil known as sorcery_ , and a few seconds later two adults followed. They were decidedly _not_ smiling. Merlin thought it fortuitous that he hadn’t waited a second more to acquire this particular ingredient that Gaius needed.

Disaster averted yet again, Merlin made his way deeper into the Darkling Woods, searching for the elusive yarrow that was not in season this time of year, though Gaius had shown him this one particular spot in the deep foliage where it thrived year round.

As he neared the rarely ventured-to area, Merlin wondered what it would be like if he didn’t have to sometimes pretend to be clumsy when covering up his use of magic. Much of the time his uncoordinated antics were just another part of his charm because he really did have a chronic problem when it came to being graceful. He understood and accepted this, but as he struggled enough on a daily basis with having to hide his being a sorcerer, he could do without giving Arthur more reasons to tease him.

All he wanted was to be accepted for who he was.

Having his mother and Gaius’s support was all well and good, and Merlin couldn’t have made it this far without their encouragement and Gaius’s assurance that one day this would all be worth it, but the years continued to pass him by with little change. Merlin was beginning to despair that his future would hold more of the same, and the idea terrified him.

He was, at heart, a feisty, passionate defender of what was right, but in this journey he now found himself on, the one person he couldn’t defend the actions of was himself. He felt very much alone. There were no friends with whom to share his struggles.

Will had been that for Merlin as a child and youth. He had listened to his best friend’s fears and hopes, and he had supported Merlin’s need to explore. It had been Will who initially encouraged Merlin to leave Ealdor and search for a place where his gifts would be appreciated.

That memory elicited a chuckle. 

Camelot was the exact opposite of accepting his kind.

But now Will was gone, leaving Merlin without that unwavering support.

It was a loss Merlin would never get over.

Then there was Lancelot. And while he hadn’t been anything like Will in temperament or outlook on life, his friendship and loyalty had been highly valued by the fresh transplant from Ealdor. Lancelot had known Merlin’s secret from almost the beginning and had been supportive and understanding. A true confidante. But, like Will, he was now gone.

Merlin was tired of losing those close to him.

Which was why he was so very thankful for Gwaine, who could always be counted on to make Merlin laugh and forget about his treasonous ways. Though he couldn’t be sure, Merlin was almost positive that Gwaine hadn’t been fooled for one second about his friend’s magic. Merlin longed to ask him, but every time the opportunity presented itself, something happened to prevent him from doing so. 

Perhaps it was fate and Merlin was meant to have no one else to talk to about his magic. It was a sad realisation, but perhaps that was how it was to be.

Sometimes Merlin thought Gwen might know his secret. Not that she had ever given him any indication that she was on to him, but she was sharp and didn’t miss much. Merlin had given her many reasons to have fathomed out her friend over the years. The mere thought of her knowing made him smile; Merlin would trust his first friend in Camelot with his life, and he knew that she had his best interests at heart.

Oh how Merlin longed to tell her. She would be his most fervent ally. Of that, he had no doubt.

At least there was no more worrying whether or not _The King_ would find out.

Merlin did not think himself a particularly vindictive person, but he had disliked Arthur’s father immensely. When the man died, Merlin hadn’t mourned his loss. Yes, he had felt sadness for Arthur, because losing one’s only remaining parent, no matter how much of a tyrant they had been, couldn’t be easy, but the happiness at not having Uther Pendragon breathing down his back at every turn was such a relief for Merlin.

But was Arthur, the new king (that title was an odd one to roll off the tongue, and Merlin wasn’t sure he’d ever truly think of Arthur as the king since he had been the prince prat for so long) really that different from his father? Merlin wasn’t so sure any more. Yes, the person Merlin had come to know over the past several years had a heart of gold, but there was no mistaking that he was his father’s son. He disliked magic every bit as much.

Yes, Arthur had shown signs in years past that his hatred of magic did not rise to the same heights as his father’s had, but his father’s death at the hands of a sorcerer (even if it wasn’t the one the newly-crowned king thought) had rather put an end to the blissful hope that magic would one day soon be made legal again.

Who was Merlin kidding? He had tried convincing himself that one day Arthur would be ready to accept magic, but was that merely a dream? It probably was, and that realisation broke Merlin a little more each time he thought about it.

But it was better that he accept this inevitability now and protect himself. No good ever came from wishing for things that were unreachable....

And speaking of Arthur, how was it that he was so completely oblivious to Merlin’s constant use of sorcery? Merlin did try to be discreet, but he failed miserably much of the time, just as he had done in Ealdor.

In the beginning Merlin had put Arthur’s ignorance down to the fact that he wasn’t looking for anything so he didn’t see it, but in recent years Merlin had been overly careless, yet Arthur continued to remain completely in the dark.

It was as maddening as it was reassuring.

Merlin’s current theory was that Arthur was too busy being besotted by Gwen, which was a worthy reason to overlook magic if ever there was one.

Merlin adored Gwen and, at one time, had entertained ideas of courting her—she was lovely, fun, and one of the smartest people Merlin had ever known—but by the time he had realised that his feelings towards her were more than friendly, Arthur had discovered these very same attributes and had set his sight on her.

And the rest, as they say, was history. Arthur had never looked at another woman after Gwen entered his life, and she had been devoted to him (well, except for that part of her that loved Lancelot).

Merlin had stepped back and resumed his role as merely their friend and confidante.

It was as it should be.

Only three days past, Merlin had helped Arthur pick out the design for a ring. The king had sworn Merlin to secrecy that morning and asked him to assist him in procuring the services of someone Sir Leon had recommended. 

Merlin had done so, promising to keep his master’s secret.

He was quite good at keeping secrets.

So yes, Gwen was a distraction for Arthur, but Merlin knew that one day he would find out his manservant's secret.

Perhaps that was best. Some secrets weren’t meant to remain hidden. 

Others were.

When the day arrived that he was finally outed as a sorcerer, Merlin could only hope that it would be under positive circumstances—he wanted the opportunity to at long last be himself; he coveted the opportunity to share with Arthur, Gwen, Gwaine, and everyone else the real him.

But that thought was a daydream for another time. For now Merlin needed to concentrate on the task at hand. The skies were quickly darkening and the following day would most likely be filled with the wrath of the gods, so he knew he needed to acquire the rare herbs before the heavens opened up.

He felt the first drop of rain when his eyes finally found what they had been searching for. He sighed, not wanting to get soaked, yet knowing he would.

Yes, this was one of those times he could use magic to prevent himself from getting pelted with the torrential rains that were sure to fall, but how would he explain that to someone if they happened upon him as he was returning?

So, as the rains came, he got on with it and used magic to retrieve the yarrow as quickly as he could.

The valuable ingredients in hand, a shivering Merlin turned back the way he had come when a piercing noise slashed the soothing sounds of the woods. Startled, he looked around. At first, nothing appeared out of the ordinary, but then he caught a glimpse of what looked like an animal, but not one that Merlin had ever seen before, charging in his direction. He put out a hand to stop the beast, but he wasn’t quick enough and the giant monstrosity barrelled into him.

When he awoke it was all Merlin could do to breathe; he was in excruciating pain. But as his eyes took in his surroundings, he was thankful that at least he was in his bed. That was something positive, he guessed. 

Gaius was sitting beside him, looking anguished. This was not at all a surprise—Gaius was the court physician, as well as his guardian, therefore he would be worried about Merlin even if he hadn’t been injured—but what was out of place was Arthur seated on the other side of the bed, looking forlorn, his face having lost almost all colour. His breathing was noticeably labored as his eyes flitted between Merlin and Gaius.

Merlin tried to speak but was unable to, and it was a struggle to keep his eyes open because the light from outside was filtering through the window and exacerbating his already pounding headache. That it was a dark and stormy day paid proof to just how bad Merlin’s head hurt. 

Even his ears ached.

“Arthur found you this morning. You have been in the Darkling Woods since yesterday afternoon when you left,” Gaius half-asked, half-said, shaking his head in wonderment.

Merlin wanted to know what happened to him. He again attempted to speak but could get no more than a croak out. He turned his head back towards Arthur. How had Arthur found him?

“You were nearly dead when I found you; I don’t know how you weren’t,” Arthur said, looking at Gaius. “It rained all night. I barely made it into the woods. To be honest I had no business being out in this weather, but something kept pulling me towards where I found you. I can’t explain it,” he finished, looking confused as he returned his focus to Merlin and scrubbed his face with his hands.

Merlin shared a knowing look with Gaius as he watched Gwen entering the room. He opened his mouth, but again he was unable to speak. Irritated, he closed his eyes and hoped for sleep to claim him and take him away from the nausea and pain.

When he next woke Gwen was applying a wet cloth to his forehead. Merlin felt hot. “What happened to me?” he asked, his throat dry and sore. He felt like someone had stomped on his chest.

“Gaius thinks an animal trampled your chest and knocked you unconscious. And you were out in this bad weather until Arthur found you.” She rewet the cloth and wiped his brow. “Gaius is preparing a poultice for your chest. Are you in much pain?”

Merlin tried not to let on just how much discomfort he was in as he attempted to recall the moment everything had gone wrong. All he could recollect was a large dark figure coming towards him. He thought he had probably screamed, but anything after that he couldn’t remember.

“You are running a high fever. Gaius is worried.” Her voice was strained as she continued looking at him. Merlin figured her next words, if she could get them out, would be something along the lines of… _You could die_.

Merlin stared at her. It figured that he would die because he hadn’t used magic in order to protect himself from the ire of others—he just couldn’t win, could he? Wasn’t that the way of it with him? “I need to talk to Gaius,” he said, closing his eyes and wondering, not for the first time, if Arthur was worth all this heartache he put himself through on a daily basis.

It seemed like an eternity passed before Gaius’s voice pierced through Merlin’s morose thoughts. He pried open an eye as he turned towards the door, and he let out a groan when the movement upset his already battered body.

“Why didn’t you use your magic?” Gaius asked quietly once he was close enough to be heard.

Merlin wished he had the strength to roll his eyes. He looked around to make sure Gwen or anyone else wasn’t in the room. “I didn’t know an animal was to attack me and render me unable to do anything, Gaius. If I used magic to keep the rain off, it would have raised more questions than I wanted. Aren’t you always telling me to be careful?” Merlin turned his head away again, feeling sorry for himself.

Gaius harrumphed. “Why you choose to listen to an old man like me at the most inopportune times, I’ll never know, Merlin. Prudence is a virtue. Disregard for your well-being is not. Nevertheless, I do have some small measure of good news,” he said, allowing a semblance of a smile to appear. “Initially, I thought you had fractured several of your ribs, which would have been dire and most likely deadly, but upon further study and observation it appears that you have merely bruised them badly. With time I see no reason why they won’t heal. But your fever continues to rise, and that is what has me quite concerned at the moment. If we do not get that under control quickly, well… let’s not think about that,” he finished, probably thinking he shouldn’t have said that last bit.

Merlin agreed.

“Am I going to die?” It was a foolish question, but nonetheless, Merlin asked it.

Gaius let out a breath, stood, and walked to the window. “I hope not, but in order for you to improve, you will be relocated to a room within the castle proper where there is a fireplace near.”

“But where?” Merlin asked, a bit sulkily. He preferred to remain in his room, thank you very much. He felt comfortable here and knew that no matter where else he ended up, it would not be anywhere near as comfortable. But he did concede that he needed to be somewhere warm and dry, away from the constant drafts that were a normal occurrence in his small chambers at the top of the tower.

Gaius let out a chuckle. “You will not want to hear this, Merlin, but it has been decided that you will stay in Arthur’s chambers until your fever breaks and the threat of infection has passed.”

“What?” Merlin asked incredulously. “Why? Surely there are other rooms I can stay in that are empty?” There were probably hundreds of rooms within the castle, and he had to stay with Arthur? Why was fate being so cruel to him?

“Of course there are, Merlin, but you need someone to watch over you. And while I am the obvious person to do that, I have other obligations—this is the rainy season and you know very well that there has been more sickness than usual. The Red Thrush has been particularly brutal this year. Arthur volunteered. Well, he and Gwen, that is. They will watch over you.”

“What?” Merlin couldn’t quite believe this, or maybe he didn’t want to. Either way, he was not happy. Arthur volunteer to take care of his servant? Ha. Merlin wanted to laugh. More like Gwen would be the one doing the watching. But as Merlin was to lose this argument anyway, he guessed Gwen would be acceptable. “Not Arthur,” he groused matter-of-factly. He closed his eyes and willed sleep to claim him.

“Merlin, it has been decided. You do not have a choice. They will both watch over you.”

And that is how Merlin ended up in Arthur’s bed several hours later, lying beneath the covers. Gwen was seated on one side of him, Arthur on the other. They were looking at him as if he had grown another set of eyes. It was enough to make Merlin want to scream. Instead he closed his eyes and wished to die.

Okay, perhaps not really, but why did he have to be in _Arthur’s_ bed? Gwaine’s? Sure. Leon’s? Gods yes. Elyan’s? Oh pretty please yes. Percival’s? Just say the word and Merlin would be there. 

The knights had always treated Merlin well.

But Arthur? He didn’t even like his servant and tolerated him only because he felt that he had to. Yes, the two were friendly and even got on well most of the time, but they were master and servant. It was a built-in unbalanced relationship and, even on those rare occasions where Arthur had asked Merlin’s opinion, the status of the two had never been in question. Merlin didn’t want to be taken care of by someone who he worked for. It just wasn’t right, and Arthur had to know that.

And it was awkward. For so many reasons that Merlin didn’t want to think about.

Merlin reluctantly reopened his eyes and peeked over at Arthur, then back at Gwen. The king had no doubt agreed to care for Merlin because Gwen asked him to. And, speaking of Gwen, she appeared to be decidedly uncomfortable. Her eyes were now focused on her future husband, but only seconds before she had been looking at Merlin. She looked pensive. 

But Merlin doubted she could possibly be any more uncomfortable than he was at this moment.

“Your fever continues to go up, Merlin. Gaius wants us to give you a bath to lower it,” she said. Arthur let out a strange sound, which he tried to cover up with a cough when Gwen glared at him.

Merlin wasn’t fooled, though; he understood. And he quite agreed with Arthur’s assessment of the situation as he glanced over at the bath and wondered how he hadn’t noticed it before. There was absolutely no way Arthur was giving him a bath. “Erm, no. If I need to be bathed, Gaius can come do it.” Merlin wasn’t budging on this. Absolutely not. And if Gaius couldn’t do it, then maybe Gwaine would. 

But Merlin knew Gwaine couldn’t help as he was now taking on more patrol duties whilst Arthur was playing nursemaid to his servant.

When Arthur requested for Gwen to leave the room a few minutes later, Merlin again closed his eyes and asked to die.

“Come on, Merlin, you don’t have anything I’ve never seen before, and you certainly have seen me naked plenty of times. Why are you being so modest?” Arthur asked as he sat down beside Merlin, who guessed his face had turned a shade of red. Yes, he had seen Arthur naked plenty of times, but Arthur had never seen him.

“I’m not being modest, Arthur,” Merlin blurted out as he opened his eyes, distress clear in his voice and on his face. “I just don’t like the idea of you seeing me is all.” Merlin knew he was being irrational; his head was throbbing, his stomach was churning, and the room seemed to be spinning. Arthur was only trying to help, and Merlin knew this. But… but…

Arthur stood and began pacing. He said nothing for quite some time, but then he returned to the bed and sat down, looking drawn and sad. “I just lost my father, Merlin. I won’t lose you. If you have a problem with me helping you, I am sorry, but there is no one else to do so. Gwen can do most everything you need, but this she cannot. Gaius is busy with patients, and Gwaine is out on patrol. So this is how it is to be.”

“Yeah, okay,” Merlin said, sounding as if his world was about to end as he pushed back the covers and grimaced. 

He couldn’t even lift his arms without pain.

Merlin closed his eyes and tried to relax as Arthur carefully tried to move him, but it wasn’t working, and when Arthur unintentionally jostled him a bit too much, Merlin nearly came unglued. His chest was on fire. He covered his eyes, sure that tears were about to fall because he was in so much pain. But then he had another thought, one that temporarily made him stop thinking about his own discomfort.

Arthur’s back had been acting up recently, hadn’t it?

How was Arthur supposed to do this on his own? Yes, he was bigger than Merlin, but Merlin had no strength to help Arthur; he was all but dead weight. “You can’t do this alone, Arthur,” he said, but Arthur acted as if he’d not heard.

“Sorry, I’m trying to be as careful as I can, Merlin,” Arthur said apologetically. “You look lighter than you are.” He then tried again but stopped when Merlin gasped and squeezed his eyes closed. 

Merlin sighed and a frisson of fear travelled through his body as he came to a decision. 

He couldn’t allow Arthur to attempt this again when there was an obvious solution. “Arthur? I need to tell you something,” he said, unsure if this was a smart move, but he was going through with it, regardless. 

Otherwise Arthur was going to kill the both of them when he slipped on his way to the bath. Well, okay, perhaps Merlin was allowing his imagination to run rampant. More likely, Arthur would have little problem getting from the bed to the bath carrying someone Merlin’s size, but there was no arguing that Arthur had been complaining about his back.

Gaius had given the king a tincture to help soothe his muscles, and that had helped, but lifting Merlin would certainly exacerbate an already bad back. Merlin wouldn’t allow that to happen when he could do something about it.

The thought of revealing himself was beyond scary, but perhaps it was time. Merlin had never been one to back down from a challenge in the past, so why should this time be any different?

The thought that perhaps his high fever was making him confused, causing him to make irrational decisions did flit through his mind, but he had already made up his mind. He would be brave and face whatever came next. What did he have to lose?

Besides everything…

Merlin took a few deep breaths.

“I can make it easier for you to carry me into the bath.”

Arthur chuckled. “Erm, how do you plan to do that in the state you are in? You aren’t going to tell me you can do magic and make yourself lighter for me to carry, are you?”

Merlin opened his mouth but had no words. What in the hell was he to say? But he had to say something. Arthur was looking at him as if he expected some stupid response. 

Well, Merlin’s life could very well be in jeopardy after his next words, so in that respect, yes, his response would be a stupid one.

“Actually, that is exactly what I am telling you, Arthur,” Merlin said as if he were telling him it was raining outside—there was no reason to act coy now. Either his revelation would be taken well or it wouldn’t. 

Having had his say, an exhausted Merlin closed his eyes against a new surge of pain and took a few deep breaths before reopening them. At least now that his secret was out he could attempt to alleviate the pain. It mightn’t work since he had waited this long, but he looked forward to trying. He felt awful.

But first he had to help Arthur. He was, as always, first and foremost a servant whose duty it was to help.

Arthur was looking at him oddly, but just what he was thinking, Merlin had no clue. He should probably say something before he performed illegal magic, or perhaps this would be a good time for Merlin to backtrack and blame his illogical words on Gaius’s strong pain tincture. 

A deep breath and a thought that he-really-didn’t-want-to-die later, he concentrated and said a few words.

His eyes glowed yellow.

Arthur stared at him in horror but said nothing.

Merlin understood, and if the circumstances weren’t as they were he might even pat Arthur on the back and tell him it would all be okay. Merlin really did want to believe that. He needed to think that. But his heart was hammering inside his chest. There was nothing at all okay about any of this. The disappointment in Arthur’s eyes was the worst part.

“If you aren’t completely horrified, Arthur, you can try to pick me up now. I should be lighter,” Merlin said nervously, hoping that Arthur wasn’t about to go off on a tirade. With him you could never tell. “Arthur?” he asked, worried.

Arthur continued to stare.

“I’m sorry I never told you before. I wanted to.” And that was the truth. But telling the truth sooner would have risked too much. To be sure, telling the truth _now_ risked too much, but the difference was that in the past Merlin had kept the secret because he was afraid for himself if it got out. Now he was afraid of what would happen to Arthur if he did nothing and kept the secret.

“You are a sorcerer?” Arthur asked, as if he needed proof that glowing eyes weren’t a normal trait.

Merlin nodded.

Arthur turned his back to Merlin for several seconds, but when he turned around his expression was neutral. “Once you are well enough to go back to your chambers, we will discuss this, but for now, your wellbeing is my responsibility and I will not let Gaius down,” he said, his voice calm, hardly any inflection. He leant down and picked Merlin up, it being much easier now.

If the pain had been unbearable before, it was beyond that now. Merlin cried out. Why hadn’t he asked Arthur to give him something to bite down on? Gaius always did that with patients when he was about to do something that would precipitate pain.

“Sorry,” Arthur said as Merlin scrunched his eyes closed and continued moaning. “I assumed you would make it so it wouldn’t hurt when I touched you.”

“It’s okay.” Merlin wanted to say more, but he knew he was close to passing out. The pain was so very intense. He allowed his mind to carry him away to somewhere else, but he felt as Arthur gently set him into the ice-filled water. It was freezing!

“Cold,” he said, his teeth already chattering.

“I know, but Gaius says your fever is much too high and this is the only way to lower it.”

Merlin closed his eyes. He was exhausted but doubted he could sleep whilst being so cold.

But he must have done so because when he next opened his eyes, he was in Arthur’s bed, Arthur snoring next to him. It was an odd sight, one that both heartened and unsettled Merlin, but all thought of that disappeared when he became aware of how much he hurt.

No time like the present to see if his magic could help lessen the pain. Merlin muttered several words quietly and waited a few seconds, but nothing happened. He repeated this twice more, with the same results.

He had waited too long. Or he was just pants at healing magic. He knew both were contributing factors.

Merlin tried to withhold his moans, but the pain was getting worse.

He woke to Gaius, Arthur, and Gwen standing over him, each of them looking concerned. It was not a welcoming sight. Gaius sat on the edge of the bed, holding something. Merlin guessed it was a replacement poultice. Hopefully it would help.

“I have added a numbing potion that should help you rest,” Gaius said before lowering the duvet. “But I must warn you that initially it will sting.” He then placed the large poultice on Merlin’s tender chest.

Merlin involuntarily arched his back off the bed. Gaius hadn’t been lying.

“It’ll pass quickly and then you should feel better. Arthur, maybe you should hold him down so he can’t injure himself further.”

Merlin wanted to say no, that he didn’t need any help, but as he again felt his chest smart he decided that maybe Gaius had a point.

Arthur sat where Gaius had been and gently put pressure on Merlin so he couldn’t move, and looked distraught as he turned towards Gaius. “How long is this going to last? You said it would help him.”

“Not long, sire, I assure you.”

“This is unacceptable. Merlin shouldn’t have to go through pain to get rid of pain,” Arthur added, moving some of the fringe from Merlin’s perspiration-covered forehead. “Gaius, you need to find another solution.”

“Arthur, I think Gaius would have done that to begin with if there was such a thing,” Gwen said, stepping up to Arthur and trying to soothe him. He tried to smile but it didn’t work. He did put a hand atop Gwen’s as he looked at her and then Gaius.

“I know. Sorry, Gaius, but I just can’t stand seeing him in such pain.”

Merlin fell into a restless sleep, thoughts of Arthur worrying over him, and he woke moaning, the pain back in full. Arthur was looking into his eyes and telling him to squeeze his hand and that it was going to be okay.

Merlin didn’t think it was going to be okay, but he appreciated the thought all the same.

The next time he woke, Arthur was asleep, but his hand was clasped around Merlin’s.

Merlin didn’t know what to think about that, so instead he closed his eyes and tried not to think about how good and natural it felt for Arthur to be holding his hand.

When he next woke, it was light outside and Arthur was dressing the wound on his chest. “Why isn’t Gwen doing this?” he asked, curious. Surely the king had much more important things to do. “Don’t you have a council meeting to preside over?” But, to be honest, Merlin had no idea if Arthur had a meeting, training, or even what day of the week it was. He had lost all concept of time.

Just as Arthur opened his mouth to possibly answer, Gwen walked in. She was frowning but quickly smiled. Merlin didn’t think she looked happy.

“Just making sure you weren’t in too much pain, Merlin. I see you are in good hands, though,” she added, a bit of tension on her face.

Merlin was confused. He looked at Arthur and then again at Gwen. Neither of them looked happy. Arthur often looked surly; he was king and kings were often surly, but Gwen almost always looked happy.

What had Merlin missed?

Arthur cleared his throat. “I have a meeting with Leon to attend, so maybe Gwen can sit with you for a while.”

Merlin smiled and looked over at Gwen, who walked to the bed and sat on the other side. She shared another not entirely happy look with Arthur, but she finally smiled.

Arthur left soon after.

“What was that about?” Merlin asked, perplexed. He didn’t like to see Gwen sad.

She shook her head as she rearranged the covers around him. “It’s nothing for you to concern yourself with, Merlin,” she said before she put her hand on his forehead, presumably checking to see if his fever was worse. As her frown increased the answer must not have been to her liking.

“Does Gaius think I am going to get better?” he asked, knowing that if anyone would be truthful with him, it would be Gwen. “Please tell me the truth.”

Gwen seemed to think on this question for quite some time. “He doesn’t know, Merlin. You have an infection, but he says that as long as you stay stationary and receive around the clock care, you have a chance.”

“Oh,” was Merlin’s staccato response. Before, he had considered dying, but he had forgotten about that. And he really hadn’t thought that Gwen’s response would be so blunt. Now he didn’t want to die. He had to protect Arthur. Who would do that if he couldn’t?

The next several days passed in much the same fashion: Gaius placing painful poultices on Merlin that soon morphed into relief for a much-too-brief time, then the process would repeat itself.

It was exhausting, and as Merlin slept, when he was fortunate enough to do so, his dreams were filled with more pain. He couldn’t win.

But as the next few days passed, the pain subsided enough so he needed no more poultices, and the infection worked its way out of his system. 

Finally the day came when Merlin would get out of bed and try to move around. He was worried, but Arthur assured him that everything would be fine.

Merlin hoped so.

“Okay, Merlin, hold on to Arthur’s arms and take it slowly,” Gaius said calmly from his vantage point across the room.

Merlin was sat on the edge of Arthur’s bed, taking deep breaths, preparing himself to stand. Arthur was directly in front of him. Merlin trusted him, he did, but still, the thought of standing… he was afraid the pain would return in full. He turned his head towards Gwen and smiled.

“You can do this, Merlin,” she said, but she looked worried.

“I’ve got you,” Arthur said softly as he took Merlin’s hands in his. “Try to stand. Take it slowly.”

Ever so carefully, Merlin stood. It hurt, but he had known it would. He couldn’t believe how weak he was. Merely standing took immense concentration, but he pushed through the lethargy and pain and looked at Arthur as he took his first tentative step. Then another. And another. 

“Well done, Merlin. I don’t think you’ll be mucking out stalls anytime soon, but if you continue to take it easy you should be able to resume light tasks that do not require any physical exertion in a week or so,” said Gaius as he stood and walked towards the door. “Arthur, do not let him tire himself out.”

“And I need to go do some other things as well,” Gwen said as soon as the door closed behind Gaius. She stood and placed a kiss on Arthur’s cheek as she looked at Merlin, a small smile on her face. “Now that you're up, you'll be better in no time. I’ll check on you this evening,” she said before she again looked at Arthur, her grin disappearing.

“Yeah, okay,” Merlin replied distractedly, again seeing that slight bit of strain on her face. Maybe he would ask her if everything was okay when she returned. Something was very wrong. He watched as she left the room before turning to Arthur. “Is she okay?”

“Yes, as far as I know she is fine. Why do you ask?” Arthur asked dismissively as he directed Merlin back towards the bed. “You have had enough for now. Rest for a while and we’ll get you up again later.” He gently helped Merlin back into the bed. “Are you cold?”

Merlin was, but he didn’t want to be a bother. Arthur shouldn’t be here with him; he needed to be tending to things to do with the kingdom. It made no sense that he was having to care for his servant. 

Merlin looked over at the hearth and with a flick of his hand had a fire roaring. Arthur glared at him, of course, but, well, Merlin was already in for it, wasn’t he? What were more treasonous acts against the realm going to do to him?

“You are incorrigible. Has anyone ever told you that?” Arthur asked, looking in wonder towards the fire. “I could have you banished or burned at the stake for that, Merlin. Do you have a death wish?”

Merlin carefully got as comfortable as he could under the covers before he answered. “You can do whatever you want with me when I am healed, but unless I am mistaken, you said it was your responsibility to see that I get better.” Merlin tried not to smirk, really, he did.

“Cheeky brat,” was Arthur’s response before he sat on the edge of the bed and looked seriously at Merlin. “Why did you never tell me?”

Merlin let out a laugh. “You really ask me that, a sorcerer, in Camelot. Arthur, your father would have had me hanged, had my head chopped off, or had me set afire without a question had he found out. Yes, I admit to being reckless at times, but I am not stupid.”

“But he’s gone now. Why not tell me?”

Another mirthless laugh. Did Arthur truly think it was that easy? “Of course, and when would I have done that? After your father died at the hands of a sorcerer?” Merlin had to be careful here because Arthur thought the sorcerer he was talking about was the old man, but of course the old man had been Merlin, even if the sorcerer he was referring to was Morgana. “I didn’t dare tell you then. You were so distraught you would have probably sent me on my way. I doubt you could have had me put to death, but you would have told me to leave. I am quite confident about that.” 

Merlin closed his eyes and tried to relax. Walking even those few steps had tired him, and having to talk to Arthur about sorcery was not helping. “I think I want to rest now.”

When Merlin next awoke, Gwen was seated in the chair next to the bed, working on something. She didn’t realise he was awake, so he studied her. She looked fine now, but there had to be something wrong. What could it be?

Could Arthur have already asked her to marry him and she said no? Or was she upset because of Merlin being hurt? Merlin didn’t think it was the latter only because whenever Arthur was near was when Gwen seemed most affected. “Gwen?” he asked, not wanting to startle her, but needing to talk.

She looked up and smiled at him. “Are you feeling better? Arthur said you were resting after your busy morning.”

“Yeah, a bit. I’m more sore than yesterday, which is understandable because I walked this morning. I’ll live,” he finished with a smirk.

Gwen retrieved a phial from the bedside table. “Drink this; it’ll help.”

Merlin didn’t have to be asked twice. It didn’t taste at all good, but he knew that soon he would feel no pain. For that, he would drink the most vile concoction in the world.

Gwen took the empty phial and put it in a pocket before reaching over and feeling Merlin’s forehead. “Your fever continues to be higher than Gaius would like, but at least it is not going any higher. He thinks that it spiked again because you are exerting more energy now that you are improving.”

“I just want to get better so things can go back to how they were,” Merlin whined. He was so very tired of feeling useless.

Gwen sat back down but reached over to take Merlin’s hands in hers. “Unfortunately, I don’t think things can ever go back to how they were,” she said, wistfulness in her voice, and Merlin knew she wasn't talking about him being ill.

“Why is that?” Merlin asked, wishing he could turn onto his side and face Gwen, but that wasn’t in the cards quite yet so he instead turned his head. She was looking at him with such sadness. “Why do you look so sad? You shouldn’t look sad, Gwen. You should be happy. You and Arthur are at long last being allowed your happiness without fear of his father sending you away to keep the two of you apart. I know that is what the both of you have wanted.”

Gwen nodded and attempted to smile. “Yes, that is what we wanted. You are not wrong about that, Merlin, but sometimes what we want is not enough.”

Merlin didn’t understand. “I don’t understand,” he said, and he would have said more had the door not opened and Arthur stepped through. Merlin didn’t miss the shared look between Gwen and Arthur.

What was going on?

“Gaius has gone to Stowell for the day to make a house call, so I need to go replenish the potions for tomorrow,” Gwen said as she stood and smiled down at Merlin. “I’ll be back later.” As she passed Arthur, Merlin again noticed the strain that seemed to be emanating off both of them.

“What was that about?” he asked when the door closed behind Gwen. “And don’t tell me that it’s nothing, Arthur. I know something is going on.”

Arthur sighed as he took the seat vacated by Gwen. “It’s not anything I wish to discuss, Merlin,” Arthur said as he felt Merlin’s forehead and grimaced. “Did Gwen give you your pain medication?” Arthur’s hand then travelled down Merlin's face to his neck, caressing it as he went, until he finally withdrew it and looked at Merlin sadly.

“Yeah, she did,” Merlin said, irritated that something was being kept from him and sad because that caress of Arthur’s was out of concern and pity and nothing more. “Did you ask Gwen to marry you?”

Arthur let out a laugh but it was not at all jovial. “No, I did not ask Gwen to marry me, Merlin,” was Arthur’s response, his words clipped, as if irritated. Arthur then stood and walked over to the window.

“Did you have a fight?” Merlin asked, not willing to let this go. He knew this was none of his business, but he was curious and he had helped Arthur pick out the ring. Arthur had been so happy. What had happened?

“No, not a fight,” Arthur said as he opened the windows and looked out over the courtyard, watching as the rains continued to inundate Camelot. He stood there for some time, just staring.

Merlin could see that he wasn’t going to get any answers. He wanted to push Arthur, but he knew now wasn’t the time. But he would find out what was going on later, maybe after he ate.

And, as if on cue, the door opened and someone brought in two trays of food. One for Merlin, and one for Arthur. Merlin was curious why there was never one for Gwen, but then again she was never there at supper time, even if she was there at all other times of the day.

They ate in silence, but that was mainly down to Merlin being ravenous. Also, he was already experiencing more pain, which was odd, because the pain should be getting less with the pain meds but they weren’t.

“You look uncomfortable. Didn’t you say Gwen gave you the pain medicine?” Arthur asked, standing and walking over to Merlin and feeling his head and neck.

“I already told you yes,” Merlin replied. “Maybe I overdid it today.”

“Perhaps, but I think Gaius should come have a look at you when he gets back. Erm, you haven’t done anything foolish like trying to make yourself better with magic, have you?” Arthur then asked.

Merlin glared. “I did that first night, but it didn’t work so I haven’t tried since. I should do that now. It might work now that I am better.”

“No!” Arthur said with authority. “You can’t.” But almost immediately he seemed to realise what he said and apologised. “Please don’t. You don’t know what will happen.”

Merlin didn’t understand. Yes, Arthur still hadn't made a decision about Merlin's future, but the way Arthur sounded didn't seem fearful. At least Merlin didn't think so. But then images of Uther Pendragon dying surfaced and Merlin thought he understood. “Arthur, look at me... please,” he added when Arthur didn’t do as asked. Finally, Arthur turned, and there was no mistaking that his eyes were filled with anguish. Merlin didn’t know what to say.

“My father was coming back to us, but he died when that old man tried to cure him with magic.” Arthur looked devastated.

“Your father died, Arthur, and that is sad. There are no words to make that loss more understandable or bearable for you, but I am not your father. And the situation is different. I am not going to die,” he said, although he had no idea if his mortality was imminent or not.

“You don’t know that, Merlin.”

“You’re right. I don’t know that. Okay, I won’t try anything, but Arthur, I have magic and have used it all my life. I won’t stop using it just because you are afraid I will go and kill myself on accident. If you banish me, I will go, but don’t think you can stop me from using my magic.”

Arthur nodded as he stood from his chair and returned to the window. “I am not going to banish you.”

Merlin allowed the slightest of smiles, but as Arthur couldn’t see it, it quickly disappeared. “Hm, decided you can’t live without me, have you?” he said, laughter in his voice, but when Arthur turned and looked at him, anguish in his eyes, Merlin was worried.

“What is going on, Arthur, and I want an answer. Have I done something wrong?”

Arthur shook his head but didn’t say anything.

“Have you done something wrong?” Merlin then asked.

At this, Arthur looked up towards the ceiling. “I didn’t think so? Maybe? I don’t know.” He looked at Merlin and scrubbed his face. “Ask Gwen. She’ll tell you.”

“No, Arthur, I want you to tell me. What is it that you aren’t telling me? Am I dying? Is that why you look like you are about to fall apart? Is that why you don’t want me to do magic on myself? Am I going to die regardless of what I try?” Merlin pled with his eyes for Arthur to tell him. Merlin didn’t want to die, but if that was how it was going to be, then he needed to know. He deserved to know, didn’t he?

“You are not dying, Merlin,” Arthur said softly, the slightest bit of exasperation in his voice. “Gaius assures me that if you continue to take it easy and do not work yourself up too much, you will recover completely.”

“You’re not lying to me, are you?” Merlin asked, just needing to be sure. “I know that in the past you have lied when people are in danger and you do not want them to know.”

Arthur walked over to Merlin, moved the food tray out of the way and sat beside him on the bed. “I can assure you that you are most definitely not dying, Merlin.”

“Then tell me what you are hiding from me.”

Arthur took one of Merlin’s hands in his and began caressing it with his thumb, but he was looking towards the window, seemingly at war with his thoughts. “Gwen told me she couldn’t marry me because she thinks I am in love with you.” That said, he did look at Merlin and shook his head as he let out a sigh.

When Arthur had taken his hand, Merlin had been startled and confused, but Arthur’s words to him threw him completely off kilter. What? Gwen thought… no, how could she think that?

“What? But you _don’t_ love me. Just tell Gwen that you don’t love me and she’ll take you back.” It really was simple. Didn’t Arthur see that?

Arthur looked at Merlin and took several deep breaths. “So now you are putting words in my mouth?” he spat out.

“Erm, no? You said… erm, wait, so are you? In love with me? Arthur?” Merlin asked, wanting to know, yet terrified to know. But he needed to know. It couldn’t possibly be, but he wanted to hear Arthur say it. He _needed_ Arthur to say it. Because thinking the answer could be anything other than _no_ was not anything Merlin could deal with emotionally.

“I don’t know. I didn’t think so. I don’t even like boys that way, but Gwen… she says I am. She says I care more for you than her. She says that it doesn't matter that I have never liked boys before. She says...” but Arthur said no more.

Merlin stared at Arthur for what seemed like an eternity, but then he gathered his nerve and tried to prepare himself. “Arthur, do you love me?”

“What do you want me to say, Merlin? That yes, I am in love with you? I can’t. But Gwen is convinced that I am. What do you want me to say?”

“Why would she think you were in love with me if you’re not?”

Merlin should have let it go; wasn't it enough that he had the answer he had wanted to hear? Didn't Arthur's answer make things so much easier? But despite all of the yeses to those answers, Merlin needed to know why.

“Because after I found you near death, I wouldn’t leave your side, and when Gaius said you could die I might have gone a bit mental and trashed the armoury.”

Merlin shook his head. “Gwen is not daft; she would not think that meant you loved me because you were worried about me and trashed the armoury. I know that people in love can do strange things, but why would she push you away without a good reason?”

“Merlin, can we do this tomorrow? Please? I have things I need to attend to.”

“No!” was Merlin’s emphatic reply, but he took a deep breath and closed his eyes. “Erm, sorry. If you don’t want to talk about it, fine, but just know that I will find out.”

Eight restless hours later Merlin found himself in the bath. He had finally been able to wash his hair by himself, and it felt wonderful.

It was still odd to think that he was in Arthur’s room and Arthur was in charge of watching over him and making sure he didn’t do anything foolish. 

Merlin was the one meant to do that for Arthur.

Not wishing to think about that, Merlin looked over towards where Gaius was sat, reading a parchment, and wondered if he knew what was going on between Gwen and Arthur. He probably didn’t. Why would he? But what if he did? Merlin decided he would ask him as soon as he finished his bath. He was almost done; he only needed to rinse the soap from his hair and chest and he could get out.

Merlin’s thoughts were interrupted when Arthur entered, looking every bit as upset as he had when he’d left earlier. He looked at Merlin and sighed before turning towards Gaius

“Gaius, I need to speak to Merlin.”

Merlin found the cloth and quickly washed off the soap so he could get out of the bath. He watched as Gaius and Arthur shared words, curious what they were saying, but he would probably never find out. He watched as Gaius left and closed the door, and as Arthur turned towards him.

“You look worried,” Merlin said, knowing as soon as he said it how lame that sounded, but he couldn’t think of anything else to say. As Arthur walked towards the chair that sat beside the bath, Merlin suddenly found himself self-conscious.

With Gaius gone, he was going to have to ask Arthur for help. Yes, Arthur had helped him change clothing every day for the past week, and he had seen Merlin naked each time. Merlin hadn’t ever felt completely comfortable, but now that Merlin knew more about what was troubling Arthur, and that it concerned him, Merlin wasn’t so sure it was a good idea for Arthur to be so hands-on whilst helping.

But there was nothing else for it, so Merlin shoved those thoughts to the back of his mind and waited for Arthur’s response. When none came, Merlin returned his attention to removing the soap from his hair and body.

Finally, when he couldn’t stand either the silence or the increasing chill that was settling over him from both the water and his own confused feelings, Merlin looked over his shoulder at Arthur, who was staring at him, seemingly a million miles away.

“I’m finished. Could you please help me get out?” It was a stupid question. Of course Arthur would help him, but Merlin asked nonetheless. He thought about using magic again to make it easier for Arthur, but over the past few days he had been doing so less and less, and since Arthur no longer had to carry him, Merlin decided not to. The exertion tired him, and he really did need to stay awake if he was going to get the truth out of Arthur.

Gentle as always, Arthur carefully helped Merlin out of the bath and presented him with a towel. Merlin dried off and then slipped into the clothing Arthur handed him.

As Merlin put his hands through the arm holes, he thought about all the times he had dressed Arthur. It had been just another part of his day and he had never given it any thought other than it was his duty, but now that Arthur was dressing him, Merlin thought that the act of helping someone don their clothes was quite intimate.

Once he looked somewhat presentable again, Arthur carefully helped him into the bed and made sure he had plenty of pillows behind him so he could lean his head against the headboard. It took some doing, but once settled, Merlin allowed his eyes to close. 

Just getting from the bath to Arthur’s bed had exhausted him, and he felt flushed. He hoped his fever wasn’t getting higher.

Arthur handed him a phial and goblet of water, and after Merlin downed both, Arthur set them on the bedside table before sitting down. He looked unsettled. 

Merlin had had enough.

“You asked Gaius to leave because you needed to speak to me privately. Are you finally going to tell me what is going on?” Merlin was so very tired. All he wanted was to go to sleep, but he was determined to get to the bottom of this. “It’s me, Arthur. It’s Merlin. You can tell me anything.” But Merlin wasn’t daft. He knew that whatever Arthur had to say wasn’t anything close to what they usually shared. Whatever this was was serious. Still…

“Guinevere overheard me talking to Gwaine the day before I found you nearly dead in the Darkling Woods. I told him that being the King of Camelot was a burden and that I wished I was just a normal person so no one would expect me to marry and sire a child. I might have then told him that I didn’t want things to change, that I quite liked my life how it was.”

“She overheard y- oh.” Merlin nearly laughed out of nervousness, but thought better of it; Arthur was clearly agitated enough as it was. The last thing he needed was for his manservant to make light of the situation, especially when said manservant might very well be the reason Arthur had made such a statement in the first place. 

Merlin silently groaned. Why again had Uther Pendragon thought it a good idea to reward Merlin by making him his son’s manservant? 

He certainly must be rolling over in his sarcophagus in light of recent developments. 

Arthur certainly had made a right mess of things, hadn’t he? 

No wonder Gwen was cross. Had Merlin been involved with someone and heard them saying those things about him… “Erm, clarify what you meant by _I quite liked my life how it was_.” There had to be a more tactful response, one that would convey Merlin’s sympathetic thoughts regarding Arthur’s plight, but the time for that was long past. 

Merlin had revealed his secret. Now, perhaps, it was time for Arthur to do the same.

“You being my servant, me being free to do as I please, no one to tell me what to do,” Arthur replied with a shrug of his shoulders. “How was I to know Guinevere was standing there eavesdropping, Merlin?” Arthur asked indignantly.

“Just because she overheard you does not mean she was eavesdropping, Arthur, but that is of little consequence now. So, then tell me how what you just told me connects to her telling you that she thinks you are in love with me?” 

“I have no idea, Merlin. Honestly. She says it is obvious that you are the one I love, but I have no clue what she is talking about. When have I ever done anything to make her think that?” Arthur looked truly perplexed.

Hmm… Merlin had wondered if Arthur was just trying to ignore his feelings, but now he understood that Arthur probably had no idea. Merlin could understand that. “Ah, so I guess that you volunteering the two of you to care for me around the clock is something you would do for anyone.”

At this, Arthur’s head turned towards Merlin and his face went through a myriad of emotions. Then he sighed. This did nothing to ease Merlin’s unsettled mind. Arthur really was clueless. Perhaps in any other situation this would be endearing. As it was, it was anything but. To be honest, Merlin found the entire situation heartbreaking. 

“You might not have meant anything by it, Arthur, but if Gwen was already having doubts about you and her, your actions of late would definitely not be reassuring. You do realise that we are always together, do you not? I never thought it a problem, but obviously it is.”

Arthur stood and walked to the window. Merlin couldn’t see his face, but he saw him running his hands over it, and he felt for him. If Merlin were strong enough to do so, he would get out of the bed and go to Arthur.

For the past several months Merlin had imagined what it would be like if one day Arthur came to him and professed his love, but those dreams hadn’t been realistic.

Reality, however, seemed to be showing Merlin that sometimes dreams refused to be denied, and he was so very tired of pushing his own wants away. He had wanted Arthur for almost a year. Maybe it was time to tell Arthur. What did he have to lose? He had already performed magic… TWICE… in front of Arthur. 

“Merlin, just because I want to help you does not mean I am in love with you. Gwen should understand that. You are my servant. Of course I want to help you.”

Merlin swallowed. Maybe Arthur had a point. Perhaps he wasn’t at all in love with him. Merlin opened his mouth to say that but decided that perhaps this conversation should wait. His head was beginning to hurt again and he felt feverish. “I’m not feeling well. I think I’m going to try to sleep.”

Arthur felt Merlin’s forehead and frowned but said nothing as he retrieved another potion and handed it to Merlin, who gratefully downed it and handed the phial back to Arthur. Merlin pulled up the covers and allowed only the slightest sigh when Arthur brushed his thumb over a tear that threatened to fall from Merlin’s eye.

“I’m leaving tomorrow for a brief trip, Merlin. I’d rather you stay here, but if you don’t want to, Gaius says you can go back to your chamber tomorrow.” Arthur reluctantly withdrew his hand and looked lost.

Merlin looked over at the hearth. He quite liked being here, where it was warm at all times of the day, but he had already overstayed his welcome; he didn’t want to add to the stress that his presence had already caused. “I’ll go back to my room.” He tried to grin. “You need your chambers back and I miss my bed,” he said, knowing that he was fooling no one. Arthur muttered something beneath his breath that sounded like _damned martyr_ , but Merlin couldn’t be sure so he left it alone, and when Arthur left, Merlin burrowed down deep in the covers and settled in. He hoped he could get some sleep so he would feel strong enough to talk to Arthur one last time before he left.

But he never got that chance.

It seemed that the emergency, whatever it was, had escalated and the king was needed immediately, so when Merlin woke that afternoon, his head pounding and his wound throbbing, it was to Gwen telling him that Arthur had gone.

Merlin wished he couldn’t explain the sadness that suffused him when he heard, but he knew he could, and it upset him immensely. Especially having Gwen tending to him. He couldn’t imagine how difficult it must be. Merlin wanted so very badly to talk to her about it and assure her that Arthur was not in love with him, but he couldn’t. Not only because he wasn’t sure of that, but also because even if Arthur did not love him, neither did he want to marry Gwen. 

This unfortunate situation was better left alone.

“You feel hotter.” Gwen retrieved a fresh cloth and placed it on his forehead. “And the area around your wound is red. Gaius will need to make you another poultice,” she said, looking distressed. “I thought you were improving.”

Merlin wanted to tell her that he would be fine, but his head was now hurting so badly that he couldn’t speak.

Gaius entered sometime later and examined Merlin.

Merlin heard bits and pieces of what the others were saying, but he was in too much pain to concentrate. On the few occasions he had tried opening his eyes, everything had been blurry. 

Gaius eventually left, but Gwen remained by Merlin’s side, replacing poultices every two hours. Merlin needed to sleep, but how could he when he felt as he did? He tried a few of those exercises that Gaius had told him about to get to sleep, but nothing worked until Gwen began singing.

Her voice was beautiful, and it made Merlin happy to hear her. It also served to relax him enough so he could drift off.

 

_“Leon, behind you!” Arthur said, running as quickly as he could, his sword in hand, prepared to defend Leon, but before he could reach his knight, something hit him from behind._

 

“Arthur,” Merlin moaned in his sleep. “No,” he said as he began thrashing his body. “No!” But Arthur was still in danger. Merlin could see another man coming at him from the other side. “Arthur, watch out!” But the man was coming too fast. Merlin needed to do something. He summoned all of his energy and uttered several words before he was shaken awake by Gwen, who looked frightened.

“You were having a nightmare, Merlin,” Gwen said as she removed Merlin’s old poultice and replaced it with another. “Do you remember anything about it?”

Merlin shook his head. All he could remember is that it was about Arthur, but he couldn’t tell Gwen that.

“You kept saying _no_ and _Arthur_.”

“Yes, he was in danger. Someone hit him and someone else was about to do something bad to him.” Merlin took a deep breath and looked at Gwen. “I wish he hadn’t gone.” He hated that he said that, but it was the truth.

“I know. I feel the same. But we both know that Arthur does what Arthur wants to do, don’t we?” Gwen let out a soft chuckle. “Merlin, I will make him see the truth. I didn’t want to believe it; I wanted to believe that he and I were meant to be together, but seeing you just now has made me realise that even if Arthur doesn’t know the truth, I do, and I will make him see it as well.”

Merlin wanted to say so much to Gwen, but there was nothing to say. He closed his eyes and tried to return to sleep, but he was terrified that he’d have another nightmare. So when Gwen began singing again, Merlin could have kissed her. The thought made him smile.

“Why the smile?” Gwen asked, moving some fringe from Merlin’s forehead.

“Nothing.”

“You are a terrible liar,” she said, laughter in her voice.

“I was thinking about the time I kissed you. I was so happy to be alive.”

Gwen let out another chuckle, but then she turned serious. “We thought you were dead. I couldn’t believe that after everything Arthur had done to save your life, you would die.”

“Yeah. I still can’t believe that he did that for me.” And Merlin was being serious. He truly couldn’t understand.

“I can. Merlin, he will always be there for you. If you didn’t already know that, then please know it from this moment on. That man would do anything for you.”

Merlin nodded. He wanted to say so much more, such as he was sorry, and that he would never do anything to hurt her, but he thought it best if he kept quiet. Gwen probably knew all of this.

Merlin fell asleep.

He slept on and off for the next day and a half, no more nightmares, but his fever spiked several times. Gwen never left his side.

Gaius increased the strength of the poultices and they again hurt when first applied, but by this time Merlin didn’t care. He was tired of feeling so bad and wanted to feel better.

When Arthur entered his chambers the following day, he was walking gingerly, and looked ill, but he wasted no time making his way to Merlin, who patted the space next to him.

Arthur sat down and briefly closed his eyes.

“You’re hurt,” Merlin said, nearly reaching out to touch Arthur, but Gwen was there so he decided it best not to.

“Yes, but I’ll be fine.”

“What happened?” Merlin didn’t expect an answer.

“Leon, Gwaine, and I were nearly ambushed. Someone hit me with a mace in the back and that did quite the number on me, but thankfully before they could do anything further, they stopped and left. It was odd, but I am thankful for it. Had they stayed we would be dead.”

“Gwen, could you please go get Gaius? I need to talk to him,” Merlin asked as he tried to sit up.

“If you don’t try to get up, I will,” she said before standing and walking to the door. “It’s good to have you back, Arthur,” she said softly, her eyes sad.

Arthur nodded. “Guinevere, we need to talk later. Meet me on the roof after dinner?”

“Of course,” she said before opening the door and leaving.

When the door was closed, Merlin again attempted to sit up, but he was having little luck. Fortunately, Arthur had cottoned on and was soon helping him so that he was comfortably leaning against several pillows.

“Are you in much pain?” Merlin asked.

“It could be worse,” was Arthur’s answer, but it was clear he was in some discomfort.

“When Gaius gets here, you are going to let him look at you. I know you and know that you came straight here to see how I was. You are such a clotpole, Arthur,” Merlin said before he leaned forward so his hands were touching Arthur’s lower back area. He closed his eyes and muttered a few words.

“Merlin!” Arthur all but shouted. “What do you think you are doing?”

“I’m trying to help you,” was Merlin’s matter-of-fact reply. “Do you feel any better?” he then asked, hoping he had helped somewhat. He knew he was not good at healing people, but he really wanted to help Arthur.

Arthur let out a small grin. “Yeah, it feels better. Thank you, Merlin,” he said as he removed Merlin’s hands from his back and held them in his own briefly before standing and walking to the window. “You shouldn’t have done that.”

Merlin knew that. He was sick and had almost no strength. He was aware that his magic was affected by illness. Yet he’d had no choice. “If you thought I wasn’t going to try to help you, then you do not know me, Arthur. I will never allow you to suffer if you do not need to.”

Arthur turned towards Merlin. “When I thought I was going to die it terrified me because the thought of never seeing you again… I just couldn’t face that.”

Merlin’s inclination was to say something to lighten the mood, but he daren’t. The time for flippancy was not now. It was time to be serious. Way past time for that, actually. He opened his mouth to say so, but of course his ribs chose that very moment to remind him that he was not well. He scrunched his eyes closed and breathed in and out several times. He felt Arthur’s hand on his face, and it served to focus Merlin’s attention. Ever so slowly, the pain began to ebb and he was able to open his eyes, but the episode had drained him and he wanted nothing more than to go to sleep.

Arthur sat on the edge of the bed and took Merlin’s hands in his. He didn’t speak, but his soft smile said more than enough as he leant down and kissed Merlin’s forehead, then his lips. 

Merlin smiled and closed his eyes as he gave in to the wonderful feeling and opened his mouth to welcome Arthur’s tongue. It felt so much better than Merlin could have ever imagined and he never wanted Arthur to stop.

Yes, he and Arthur would no doubt have much to talk about when he woke, he had days and maybe weeks ahead of him before he was well again, and he needed to come to terms with causing one of his best friends unimaginable pain, but for now Merlin allowed Arthur to help him push those things to the back of his mind.

The last thing Merlin remembered before sleep claimed him was one of Arthur’s hands gently wiping away a tear, and the other moving fringe from his forehead.


End file.
